Friday, January 2, 2009

After Sex Deep Thoughts

Last night I laid in bed awake.. you guessed it, after having sex. I'm not sure what about having sex spurred me into very deep meaningful thoughts about my life, but it did.

and my mind wandered....

I have HUGE walls of concrete built up around my emotions. I don't cry often in front of others, I don't like touchy feely conversations, I can't handle other people when they display emotions... it actually makes me physically uncomfortable.

I know why.. I was ruthlessly picked on when I was a kid.. I was chubby.. I am chubby now... accept for a brief window in my mid twenties, I have always been chubby. I don't' remember the exact moment these walls went up... what boy looked at me in disgust when I smiled at him... what girl pulled my hair in assembly.. but I eventually came to the realization that I was utterly and totally unlovable... deserved no one.... and so.. I built a wall.. a wall to save my precious tiny heart from breaking so explosively that it killed me.

And now here I am.. at 30.. grown up and moved past these silly thoughts....with a concrete wall I can not get rid off... nor do I know how to get rid off...

A few hidden tears slipped down my cheeks as I thought about all this... about how I can't feel things as much as I want.

Don't get me wrong... I Love my husband... I love my daughter.... but its difficult for me to show that as hopelessly and open as I wish I could. and i hate it.

And then in the darkness.... as I contemplated this and made pledges to myself to try to bring my walls down somehow, some way... my husbands voice rang clear and thoughtful through the darkness of our post sex bedroom...

"Is it better for you to eat potatoes with or without the skin?"


Monica LeMoine said...

I LOVE THIS POST. Beautiful and honest and poignant. Anything called "after sex deep thoughts" has got to be good. And you know your husband was nowhere NEAR you on planet-emotional. It seems like whenever I'm thinking deep post sex thoughts, my hub is thinking about, yeah. Potato skins.

By the way, you have red hair, which I was always jealous of in elementary school. If that makes you feel better, heh heh. And you can tell from the pics on your blog that you love your girl and husband - tell them to just look at the your face if they're ever in doubt.

Anabelle said...

hahaha Red head from Feria Number 37 lol

i'm just kidding..well no, it is from a box, but i've always had red hair naturally too.. I just enhance it... Ie.. cover the greys hehehe

its funny because my hubs is actually far more emotional than I am..and can cry on the drop of a dime if the mood strikes him...i just can't... i hate it!

its something I struggle with...I feel like I emotioanlly seperate myself from things... i know its just instinctual..... like I said, a surivival mechanism. I hope before I die, that I can bring the walls down and let myself own the emotions.... or maybe they'll just all come out during my midlife crisis haha

A New England Life said...

lol! With the skin for sure!

We're all living with some sort of demons from our past. I always felt unloved so I tried to find some guy, any guy who would love me. Hence the horrible and abusive relationships I put myself through.

It wasn't until I went through much counseling that I finally got it together (pretty much), met my husband, became friends and eventually lovers.

If it's any consolation I find myself much less emotional as I grow older. Seldom do I cry anymore but seeing someone else cry doesn't bother me at all. My mom always made fun of me for crying so I figure if someone wants to cry, let 'em. Except Tatianna on American Idol . . . lol!!!!

Anabelle said...

your path sounds very much like mine.... I guess perhaps its human nature.

its still an internal struggle with me everyday.

A New England Life said...

Often times I think I should go back to counseling as I find some of the issues I had growing up come back to haunt my mind. But life seems so busy these days that finding the time seems difficult.

We're so lucky to have found stability. That is key for a good life and raising a child.

Enough seriousness! I need a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Anabelle said...

ooh me too.. Mmmm ice cream

counseling would require me to discuss my feeling with someone.. egads! the thought gives me the heebie jeebies hahahah

A New England Life said...

Holy cow, you really are emotionally phobic! ; )

Anabelle said...

yes i am.. sometimes when I need to talk to the hubs, and I can't find the words, we just text message... lol so much easier for me hahaha

A New England Life said...

Well there you go. Texting. Sexting. What ever it takes.

Hopefully you are more open with Rowen, and her emotions don't bother you. My mom doesnt like emotions either and it about drove me crazy growing up. She was so cold, and still is. Every once in a while a see a warm sweet side to her, and then it's gone : (

Anabelle said...

awww no i'm very emotional with her.

its not that i have no emotions. I guess its more that i have a hard time saying them if they're in a confrontational manner (ie trying to talk about something that has bothered me witht he hubs)... or if its something thats going to make me cry... i dnt' like crying haha

A New England Life said...

Like your hubby asking you for a hand job . . . ; )