After Sex Deep Thoughts - 2nd edition

Ah yes folks, it was that time of the week again when my hubs and I cuddle up in bed, and do it.

Unlike last week, my thought process was not disturbed by an inquiry on the nutritional value of potatoes, but was instead accompanied by the quiet gentle breathing of a zonked out man creature....

Last night I contemplated my divorce... no no.. not from my hubs... the divorce from hubs number one.

Yup, there was a number one.... we were married at the tender age of 21...WTF was I thinking?

Dan and I met my freshman year in college (before I dropped out to live with him). We were both 19. He was still a virgin and was eager to copulate. haha I had never been in a relationship due to aforementioned high school chubbiness so I was excited to have someone like me.

Actually I was still chubby when I met him.. ok ok, I was more like ginormous.. but he had a thing for Big and beautiful so it worked.

He wasn't a catch though ladies.. no he was kind of a bum. He'd never gone to college, lived in a 400 square foot studio apartment, and worked at Taco Bell.

But I was fat, and I was desperate to not be alone... so we made a perfect pair.

We went through many struggles.. he had issues with money... well basically he was down right irresponsible with money. He'd almost been evicted until I stepped in and bailed him out with my credit cards. He then cheated on me about 8 months later which was a devastation to my young heart. We worked through it though... chalking it up to him ont wanting to never experience another girl because he'd wanted to marry me (I totally fell for that one, sucker).

By our one year anniversary we'd gotten engaged to the horror of my poor parents. They knew he wasn't right for me, but a girl has to make her own mistakes.

We were married in 2000. We had a huge wedding at a castle on top of a mountain over looking Lake Winnapausaukee. It was medieval themed... the bridesmaids wore wench dresses and everything.

There were so many things that led to our demise. One of them being that we ended up working together managing a restaurant. He was a lazy SOB and I pretty much ended up busting my ass to keep the business running while he spent his shift reading the paper and sitting on a stool.

He was lazy around the house too... I would spend hours cleaning the house while he sat on his ass not even caring about the effort I put in. I'm not saying all men have to clean to be worthy, but at least offer to help ya know?? or maybe even say thank you???

He was unmotivated as far as his career was concerned also. I was back in night school at this point and was trying to finish up my BS degree. I had convinced him finally to go to school for Computer Science, only to find out a few months later that instead of attending classes, he was getting in his car, parking behind the gas station across the street, and reading the paper until I went to work and he could sneak back into the house..... fucking dick.

He also had a severe porn/internet addiction. I'm not anti porn.. heck everyone likes to watch it from time to time right? hahaha But he was obsessed... and I often found things on my computer that were disgusting. And he also liked to pretend to be a woman and talk to men online???? Whatevs... if you swing that way fine, but be willing to admit it... and he never would. (still won't)

I remember the night I realized I wasn't in love with him anymore. I laid in bed in thinking about us, and our relationship and how unhappy I was. In a truthful self realization, I thought to myself... would I be upset if he died??? Not really...I'd be releived. That was the end for me.

Admist all of these events, I had gone on a really big diet. I started running.... and within 10 months time, I had lost 135 lbs. which means I weighed 135 lbs... Folks, I was suddenly hot... something I had never ever been. And I was working on a college campus.... getting lots of attention from many a young hot frat boy.

Hubs and I had just finished grocery shopping at Wally world...and that's when I threw out my proposition. I wasn't strong enough yet to break his heart, so I thought maybe we could work out a compromise. I was eager to meet new people...ahhh men.... so I asked him if we could have an open relationship. I figured he'd go for it since he was obsessed with sex, and perhaps he'd meet someone new and I could leave without feeling so guilt. And maybe I could sew some wild oats along the way....

And that's exactly what I did.

I had a fling with a frat boy in the basement of the restaurant I worked at, a top a pile of unopened pizza boxes.

I also hooked up with the the most beautiful boy that worked for me.. he was 19..tall, dark skinned and Greek. A Greek adonis if you will... and without a doubt the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen in person. His name was Markos... just saying his name still makes me salivate. Sadly he was planning on attending seminary school after graduating college... but hooking up with a married lady made him second guess himself and he later decided not to go to seminary. I'm surely going to hell for that one.

I met a few guys online that I had flings with... including one incredibly hot black man that I had to stop seeing because his penis was so large it practically killed me.

And sadly, I also had an affair with a married man I knew. That is perhaps the single largest regret I have in my life. I cared for him.. but he was married. I wasn't a Christian at that time... and I guess you could say I was young, stupid and extremely selfish. If I could turn back time, that is the one thing in my life I would reverse. Thankfully the affair ended the first time I laid eyes on my new hubs.

I pray to God everyday for forgiveness.

As a side note, when I asked Dan for a divorce, he cried of course... as did I. But he asked me if we could have sex once last time. I said no of course, but that just goes to show where his heart was... dick.


I was still married when I met Barney. I had finally asked for a divorce, but I was in no rush to file the paperwork or get the ball rolling because ex hubs and I were still sharing our apartment.. it was financially easier for us both and were still cordial enough to one another to remain friends.

After Barney and I had our first date, and I knew he wasn't just going to be another sexual fling, I went to the court house the next day to get the paperwork and I filled. Within a few months the divorce was final and Barney and I celebrated by going out to dinner. He was excited that I was finally all his.

My divorce wasn't messy per say, but I surely didn't go about it in the best way. I wish I had done it in a more proper manner.. without stringing the ex along for so long. In the end however, our divorce was his fault. Had he not be such a lying creepy sex deviant, I'd have stayed married to him simply because I took our vows seriously. But he was a liar and a deviant... so I left.

And I'm glad I did. Because like I've mentioned before, I can't imagine spending my life with anyone but Barney... and now I have my beautiful little Rowan.

Life is good.....

Oh, I was also fired for all my flings with the frat boys that worked for me.... probaby the best thing that could have happened to me. It got my butt out of the food service industry and gave me the courage and motivation to start a career.