After Sex Deep Thoughts 11

Barney: i love you anabelle
Me: yeah? (looking for confirmation)
Barney: of course
Me: how come?
Barney: cuz your anabelle.... your fun, and you love me back



Me: i love you too

After Sex Deep Thoughts 10

Hubs has been hitting on me since this weekend... but alas I've been tired and cranky... last night he finally won.

It was a funny story really.

Barney had crawled into bed and I threw a small green pouch onto his chest and said... "check it out".

(I had purchased a smooth away kit at Target that day, and we'd been talking about them the day before after a commercial was on the tv... and we both wondered if they really worked or not... fyi, they do).

He for some reason, thought I was handing him some sort of silly err... "toy". (I guess his mind was in the gutter still)

Ha!

He was quite dismayed to see that it was just a smooth away hahaha.

But needless to say, I'd started the motor and you can't just turn that sort of thing off with a man, especially when a "toy" might be involved.


We had quite a funny talk afterwards, and here is how it began.


He went upstairs to shower because he had been working all day from 6 am to 6 pm. I went upstairs a few minutes later and he came strolling out of the bathroom all neked like.

I was shocked, like shocked as if I'd just seen a stranger come out of my bathroom neked.


I know that sounds strange because we are husband and wife... however, we have a child now. That means there is no more nekedness or walking around neked... we have to always be clothed.

We used to sleep in the nude... but no more. Barney always wears his boxer briefs, and I always have a night gown or a tshirt and pj pants on.

Always.

Barney would never dream of being in the nude in front of Rowan. He even feels a bit self conscious in his boxers and usually has on pj pants also. In fact, she thinks daddy is naked when he is in his boxers... as if they are a part of his body haha.

(she sees me naked, as we shower together sometimes. Poor kid, I can only imagine the horrible nightmares she will have someday, of a wide, white cottage cheese ass in her face)

So we talked about our lack of nekedness... and I told him how shocked I was to see him come out of the bathroom.... penis dangle jangling all out there and stuff... In fact I gasped a bit when I saw him, and he did an amusing thrust of the hips while doing a funny woo hoo noise.. (typical male).

And so here we are. We've been together for 6 years.... and because we have a kid (and because I insist on sex in only the pitch black)... seeing each other neked has become some sort of shocking eye piercing moment...

Until last night, I'm not even sure I could've picked his penis out of a line-up. Heck, I'm still not sure I could.

After Sex Deep Thoughts 9

Whoa its been almost 2 weeks... apparently, as a couple, hubs and I have been slacking! haha

Actually he hurt is neck last week.. which rendered him immobile... needless to say, acrobatics weren't in his plans ;)

Anyhoodle, last night hubs fell asleep pretty quickly (DST is still messing with us) and I read my book.

We did have a fun little chat however, during our "after" snuggles.

St Patty's day is coming up. And our first date was on St. Patty's day (almost 6 years ago). We both talked about that day and what we were like before child, and before marriage.

It was kind of fun to remember our old selves. He was young and full of energy... he was still racing at that point.. he was still a bit broken from his divorce and he was eager to meet a new girl.

I was fresh off of losing 135 lbs and needless to say full of confidence. I felt pretty and happy about life. I was ready to move on from my ex-husband and meet new people.

We met in college as I know I've blogged before.... and our little romance was sickeningly cute to our fellow students.

When he and I first started talking, I wasn't quite sure he was into me. He was friendly and all, but I could sense his hesitation about my divorce not quite being final yet.

I worked at a restaurant on the UNH campus, and he also worked at UNH on the construction crew.

He mentioned how he liked eating at the place next door to me because there were a lot of cute girls. I invited him to lunch (on me) and made a joke about how he could scope them out while he was there. (the two restaurants were physically attached and open to one another. You could walk between them inside).

So he came in the next day, and got lunch while I joked with him about the hot blond over there that he could drool over.

I found out later, that he was coming in to drool over me... and had no interest in the blond what so ever. Apparently he was a red head kind of guy, and the sight of me all dirty and covered in flour while garbed in an apron was super sexy to him. I'll spare you the visions he had about me in that apron haha

It brought a little smile to my face last night as I remembered that.... and I snuggled up to him immersed in the memories of our young love.... and thankful for the older love we now share.


Our First Date

After Sex Deep Thoughts 8

Its hard to believe I've been chronicling my after sex thoughts now the last 2 months haha.

Anyhoodle.. last night I started reading my book again once hubs and I stopped talking and he fell asleep.

I've been reading Ishmael as I quickly noted earlier in the week. Its an interesting book and its really gotten me thinking about the human condition, and why we are in the place we are in.

I won't spoil the book be revealing to much, but I will mention that it goes into a lot of the reasons why humans don't live the same way an animal live, and the history of how we have gotten to the place we are in today.

It scares me. And like every generation it leaves me worrying about the world we'll leave to our children. Its so easy for us to say, Oh, they'll deal with it. But I don't want my baby to have to deal with anything. I want her to just live happily and healthily until she's old and content.

This got me to thinking about life, and how it will progress. And then I thought about my worst fear. The day Rowan moves out.

My goodness, this will happen someday. She will someday move out of our home. It'll just end up being Boo and I again....and she'll go off and create her own life. I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!!!
Is it wrong that I should want to keep her all to myself forever? What will we do at night? What about our walks around the block and playing at the playground?

Last night we lay snuggling in bed talking about Rowan. Boo mentioned that he can't remember at all what it was like before she came into our lives. "What did we do?" he asked. I giggled... and I said.."um... lots of this"

In all seriousness though, it wasn't an unhappy life. I told him we went for walks, we dreamed about the future, we went on Sunday morning drives, and late night snack runs to the cumby's across the street. We rented movies, we drank lots of beer and wine. We did what ever our heart desired, because we could.

But now that we've tasted the other side, the side with a child, can you really go back to being two people alone? I can't imagine it. I can't imagine a single day in my life with out Rowan there with us.

And this makes me sad... because I know I only have 15 short years left... just 15.

After Sex Deep Thoughts 7

I wish I could tell you I had some brilliant and amuzing thoughts last night after the hubs and I bumped uglies, but alas, all I could focus on was the sound of my child sniffling and coughing in the next room while she slept.

Which reminds me, I should probably start shutting her door or our door during our weekly rendevous lest we should wake her up and have to explain ourselves to a toddler.

After Sex Deep Thoughts 5

Last night was a bit of a daydreamy type of after sex fogg. The hubs caught me off gaurd while half asleep... don't ya love when they do that?

So needless to say when I was falling back asleep 2 seconds later (oh snap)... I daydreamed silly thoughts about what I would do if I won PowerBall.

And here is my dream.

If I won powerball, I would immediatly commision the building of a new home. Not just any home mind you.. but a GREEN home. I would want solar panels and wind mills so we could live completely off the grid. I would want our heat and electric needs met so that we never have to pay for those things again and we wouldn't be poluting the earth.

I would also set up water cysterns to collect rain water so I could water my garden naturally.

I would use all green paint. I would reclaim old wood for flooring, and use granite for countertops.

I would have a compost pile.

And a large vegetable garden with fruit trees so I could grow my own organic produce.

I would want this house on a huge peice of land, so that I could build another house for my parents to live in so they could be close by. And we'd have horses, maybe sheep... and other farm animals. I would prefer it be on the water too.

I wouldnt' want to live in a big hoity toity mansion. Nope, that's not the life for me. Instead my house would be an old style farm house. With claw foot tubs and farm sinks. It would be a home.. warm and inviting. And peaceful. There would be no fancy dinnerware or Italian chandeliers.. instead there would be old creaky hard wood floors and surfaces worn with time and love.

We would travel of course. To Europe and everywhere else our hearts desired.

There would be another baby. But no more than one... because I truly beleive in either decreasing the population or simply replacing ourselves with our children.

After baby, there would be some platic surgery, and most definitly some lipo.. with maybe a boob job hahaha Hey why not right? lol

I wouldn't buy expensive cars. I'd probably buy a hybrid. Most likely a Honda because I love them.

I know my hubs would build a race track, or a go-kart track to play on. And that's fine.

I would ride my horses around while he tinkered on his toys. Rowan and I would take care of the animals... because she loves farm animals. She would have a big tree house, and perhaps a swimming pool. She would attend private school locally, and get super smart.

I would give to others too. I would pay off all our immediate family members mortgages. I would give to the church. I would give my condo to my BFF... because she deserves a break.

I would buy my little sister a house.

I would send all my neices and nephews to college.

Perhaps at Christmas, everyone would get a new car.

Our parents would retire, and enjoy life.

And that would be our happy ending.

Nice eh? Maybe I should get to the store and buy a ticket.

After Sex Deep Thoughts - 4th Edition

I've grown quite fond of this weekly blog post. Come on, is anything really as interesting as the thoughts that go through your mind after a good flogging?

Last night I thought upon the awkward nature of mine and hub's sex life. Yes, awkward I say.

Lets start with the basics. I am not a prude.. but I still get a bit embarrassed by things. My hub's on the other hand, totally wears his emotions and thoughts on his sleeve. He has no qualms what so ever with voicing his wants and needs. I on the other hand, find it very difficult to speak my mind if emotions or personal wants are involved. All comes back to those big walls I've built up around myself I guess.

I've mentioned before that it makes me very uncomfortable at times when people openly express their emotions.. or wants... I just clam up, and I don't know how to act or what to say.

This is all applies to hub and I's sex life.

Example... last evening.... we're hanging out in bed.. Watching Good Eats... a commercial comes on and hubs turns to me and asks..."Are you too tired to give me a hand job?"


I immediately freeze.... huge walls of protection come slamming down around me... and I sit staring at him in disbelief with an uncomfortable half bewildered look on my face.

I don't want to hurt his feelings... but his openness and shameless request has completely freaked me out. Not because I don't want to fool around with him, but simply because he was comfortable enough to voice his desires... and this has totally shut me down.

I say not one word.. I just look at him.... still uncomfortable. Unsure of what to do.

I shouldn't' say that this behavior has totally shocked me. He does this all the time..."want a quickie"....."want to fool around" and other sexual suggestions too obscene to mention here, drip from his mouth often. And it has always been very off putting and uncomfortable for me.

I struggle with this. He's my husband. Shouldn't' we be able to be open and honest with one another? I think so... but I can't "act" so.

He finally broke the ice....he half heartedly apologized because he could see the horror in my face no doubt. And then he asked me how he was supposed to talk to me about these things, since his current tactic was obviously not working out so well for him.

And so I very uncomfortably took my walls down and attempted to explain to him how this "asking" affected me and why it turned me off so much.

He listened patiently.. and he told me understood and was glad I finally told him why it bothered me so much.

I was able to tell him that the best way to approach me was with passionate kisses and direct acts as opposed to words.

Acts I can handle... I can handle my hubs kissing me softly, and giving me that twinkle in his eye...

I CAN'T handle him begging me for a blow job in the middle of a commercial for Geico.

Am I nuts?

Would this disturb you? Do your husbands do this? Am I just crazy?

Needless to say our discussion abruptly ended in a very enthusiastic kiss from the hubs......

and about two seconds later.... "MAMA!!!!!".....

Yup.. the kid was awake hahahahah poor hubs.. I could hear his penis sigh.

Thankfully she just wanted me to help her pee.... and then she went right back to sleep.

And hubs and I were able to pick up right where we left off. And I was totally ok with that.

After Sex Deep Thoughts - 3

Not last night, but the night before... oh yes.. it was that time of the week again.

This week I thought about Boo and I...... and the ups and downs we've been through.

So I figured I'd take a few minutes and tell our story.

I've already blogged about how we met.... But after the initial "fall" into love, we continued on like most couples I suppose.

We were in college together... both had jobs... and we both had a life we were trying to merge together. At the time I had an apartment left over from my married days, and I had two young UNH kids living with me in my second bedroom to help pay rent. Barney wasn't prepared to move in with me when the ex moved out (It had only been a month)... so in came Dave and Corissa.

What a strange couple these two were... and having them in my home resulted in many many wars. My home is my sanctuary, and having to share it was already a sore spot... but then these two also ended up being slobs. They never cleaned their dishes, never helped out with regular housework and even ended up adopting a rabbit which left shavings alllll ovvvver the place.

We fought often.... although I should clarify, Corissa and I fought often. We tried desperately to make it work... but thankfully, after about 9 months or so... they finally left.

Boo moved in after we had dated 5 months... he was there every night anyways... why not join us and help pay some rent. And thus began our "adult live in" relationship.

Things with Boo and I got shaky right around a year. Things were going great... and I was totally head over heals for him. He however was going through some sort of "I just graduated college what do I do with my life now" mid twenties crisis. He interviewed for jobs... and finally accepted one as a manager trainee with a local Nuts and Bolts distributor. He hated it.... Barney has never been the type of guy to work in an office.. wear a tie... all that crud. He's a dirty man type of man.. you know... knuckle to the grind stone.. work hard... get messy... make things. He always has been.

He struggled with that for a long time.... he changed jobs back to UNH where he picked up his duties again as the Tools and materials supervisor... ie.. tool guy haha He liked to give himself a fancy title though. Basically he did material runs for all the various construction crews and made sure they had the tools on site that they needed.

He didn't hate this job.. but it wasn't going anywhere either.

One day he came home. He was very upset.... frantic almost... and asked that we could talk. So we sat down... and that's when he dropped the bomb.

He wanted to move to NC and get a job working on a race crew down there. It had always been a dream of his... and now that he was frantically searching for a purpose in his life, he felt this was going to fill it.

But..... he had no plans of taking me with him.... he was breaking up with me.

There was alot behind this decision. For one, he takes other's opinions to heart far to easily. He talked to the guys at work... and of course all the "guys" convinced him to ditch the girl and follow his dream. Because that's what real tough men do right? I think that I, also, was very into our relationship. I had been talking about buying homes... settling down.... etc etc... all the typical stuff that scares the crap right out of a guy. I think perhaps had his ex-wife not mutilated him when she left, he'd have been ok with it, but she was evil to him, and he was therefore a bit nervous about commitment. I can understand that.

So we were getting serious.. he wanted a big change in his life, he was scared and he basically decided that running was the best option.

That talk will forever live in my mind... I've never cried so hard... he's never cried so hard.... we were both devastate... and for what? We were obviously in love. Finally he got up and started packing some things... and I just lost it... and I grabbed him and I begged him to stay... I'd go where ever he wanted me to go... just don't leave.

And he melted into my arms... and we both fell onto our bed.. and sobbed.. and clung to one another for dear life.

It was decided that we'd both go to NC if that's truly what he wanted. I would follow him.... I loved him.... and he despite his doubt... loved me just as much.

We booked a flight.... and we flew down. He had an interview at Dale Earnhardt Inc... and one with Tony Steward's team. We visited all the shops and took in the sights. It was actually kind of awesome... But I hated it there. It was flat, and ugly and industrial. I never wanted to leave NH.. its my home, its where my family is.

The end result of our trip was that he pretty much had a job.. but he had to move down first... and then just ask to start.

We got home... and we didn't really talk about it for a while. Then he started asking about when he should plan to go. He'd set us up with an apartment while I tried to find a job from NH.. and later go down with him.

And my heart was in a tug-o-war. I wanted to stay home... I wanted to settle down, get married and make babies. What was I supposed to do? In desperation he bought me a pug puppy.... to keep me company and hopefully fill the void that moving would create. It didn't' work.

We were at in impasse. And confrontation was on the horizon.

And so it happened. One day... as we drove to my parents for a visit. I just broke down and let it all out... and I gave the ultimatum. I don't want to leave.. I want to stay, I want to get married... and I want to make babies. If you want me... then you must choose.


I'd like to say it was easy decision for him..."Oh I chose you baby, no problem". But it wasn't. This was a dream he'd had since he was a child. He'd always wanted to move to NC someday. And his dad always made it clear that his success in life hinged upon the type of work he did.. not upon how great a family man he could be. (he still makes that clear, but that's another post all together). Barney felt that in order to be seen as successful in his father's eyes, this is what he must do... be in the racing industry.

But Barney's heart had other ideas... and so he was also torn. It was a couple of very rough months for us. He was having a very hard time choosing his future... and of course this tore me up... wasn't I an easy choice?

I'll never forget the day that he chose. Again I was crying and broken hearted... I told him what I wanted out of life.. and I could not have it any other way.

And he finally... with tears in his eyes.... said he loved me to much to leave, that he wanted me. I knew it was a hard for him to do that... part of him wanted to go... but a bigger part of him wanted to stay. He had to turn his back on the pressure he got from his father... and for once in his life... stand up on his own, and make his own choice. It was a big moment for him.

And so we decided to stay. It was a relief for me. But for Barney, he was right back into that mid-twenties crisis. He had no idea what to do now. He didn't want to stay at UNH as the tool guy.. he wanted something more. That's when he decided to become an Electrician. He'd been an electrician helper for a short period right when he graduated high school and he'd really liked it.

So despite already having a degree, he signed up for night school and got a job as an apprentice. He suddenly had purpose again... and better yet, his Dad was proud of him again.

Four years later he's finished, and he loves it. I've never seen such a dedicated Electrician. He's online almost every night in an Electrical chat forum, he still studies the code despite already passing his test, and he's looking to get involved with another co-worker working on alternate energy installations.. ie.. photovoltaic panels and windmills. He's so excited about his work, and you can see the smile in his eyes when he talks about it.

Of course I got my way also... he proposed about a year after our NC fiasco, we were married a few months later on January 27th in Vegas, and then that summer I came home, put my birth control on the coffee table and told him I wasn't taking it anymore. If he wanted sex, then we were having a baby. At first he was a bit taken by surprise, but then he got excited. And he got alot of sex... he couldn't complain about that to much.

I found out I was pregnant in August of that summer.. It happened fast, apparently despite my endometriosis, I am a fertile Myrtle. I was so excited about my positive pregnancy test that I called him on the phone to tell him, I couldn't even wait to see him in person.

He got home, hugged me, and with a twinkle of excitement in his eye he said "We're really having a baby???? Can I teach it things?" hahaha He was elated...

Rowan was born in April of 06... and its been a blur of time flying by since.

Barney and I are as solid as ever... although being parents takes a tole on any marriage... we still are very much dedicated to this being a forever thing.

And despite the difficulty he had choosing this life.... He is the happiest most dedicated Father I have ever seen. He and Rowan have a bond unlike any other. She has him wrapped around her little finger...

I know he loves her more than me... and I'm totally ok with that.

After Sex Deep Thoughts - 2nd edition

Ah yes folks, it was that time of the week again when my hubs and I cuddle up in bed, and do it.

Unlike last week, my thought process was not disturbed by an inquiry on the nutritional value of potatoes, but was instead accompanied by the quiet gentle breathing of a zonked out man creature....

Last night I contemplated my divorce... no no.. not from my hubs... the divorce from hubs number one.

Yup, there was a number one.... we were married at the tender age of 21...WTF was I thinking?

Dan and I met my freshman year in college (before I dropped out to live with him). We were both 19. He was still a virgin and was eager to copulate. haha I had never been in a relationship due to aforementioned high school chubbiness so I was excited to have someone like me.

Actually I was still chubby when I met him.. ok ok, I was more like ginormous.. but he had a thing for Big and beautiful so it worked.

He wasn't a catch though ladies.. no he was kind of a bum. He'd never gone to college, lived in a 400 square foot studio apartment, and worked at Taco Bell.

But I was fat, and I was desperate to not be alone... so we made a perfect pair.

We went through many struggles.. he had issues with money... well basically he was down right irresponsible with money. He'd almost been evicted until I stepped in and bailed him out with my credit cards. He then cheated on me about 8 months later which was a devastation to my young heart. We worked through it though... chalking it up to him ont wanting to never experience another girl because he'd wanted to marry me (I totally fell for that one, sucker).

By our one year anniversary we'd gotten engaged to the horror of my poor parents. They knew he wasn't right for me, but a girl has to make her own mistakes.

We were married in 2000. We had a huge wedding at a castle on top of a mountain over looking Lake Winnapausaukee. It was medieval themed... the bridesmaids wore wench dresses and everything.

There were so many things that led to our demise. One of them being that we ended up working together managing a restaurant. He was a lazy SOB and I pretty much ended up busting my ass to keep the business running while he spent his shift reading the paper and sitting on a stool.

He was lazy around the house too... I would spend hours cleaning the house while he sat on his ass not even caring about the effort I put in. I'm not saying all men have to clean to be worthy, but at least offer to help ya know?? or maybe even say thank you???

He was unmotivated as far as his career was concerned also. I was back in night school at this point and was trying to finish up my BS degree. I had convinced him finally to go to school for Computer Science, only to find out a few months later that instead of attending classes, he was getting in his car, parking behind the gas station across the street, and reading the paper until I went to work and he could sneak back into the house..... fucking dick.

He also had a severe porn/internet addiction. I'm not anti porn.. heck everyone likes to watch it from time to time right? hahaha But he was obsessed... and I often found things on my computer that were disgusting. And he also liked to pretend to be a woman and talk to men online???? Whatevs... if you swing that way fine, but be willing to admit it... and he never would. (still won't)

I remember the night I realized I wasn't in love with him anymore. I laid in bed in thinking about us, and our relationship and how unhappy I was. In a truthful self realization, I thought to myself... would I be upset if he died??? Not really...I'd be releived. That was the end for me.

Admist all of these events, I had gone on a really big diet. I started running.... and within 10 months time, I had lost 135 lbs. which means I weighed 135 lbs... Folks, I was suddenly hot... something I had never ever been. And I was working on a college campus.... getting lots of attention from many a young hot frat boy.

Hubs and I had just finished grocery shopping at Wally world...and that's when I threw out my proposition. I wasn't strong enough yet to break his heart, so I thought maybe we could work out a compromise. I was eager to meet new people...ahhh men.... so I asked him if we could have an open relationship. I figured he'd go for it since he was obsessed with sex, and perhaps he'd meet someone new and I could leave without feeling so guilt. And maybe I could sew some wild oats along the way....

And that's exactly what I did.

I had a fling with a frat boy in the basement of the restaurant I worked at, a top a pile of unopened pizza boxes.

I also hooked up with the the most beautiful boy that worked for me.. he was 19..tall, dark skinned and Greek. A Greek adonis if you will... and without a doubt the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen in person. His name was Markos... just saying his name still makes me salivate. Sadly he was planning on attending seminary school after graduating college... but hooking up with a married lady made him second guess himself and he later decided not to go to seminary. I'm surely going to hell for that one.

I met a few guys online that I had flings with... including one incredibly hot black man that I had to stop seeing because his penis was so large it practically killed me.

And sadly, I also had an affair with a married man I knew. That is perhaps the single largest regret I have in my life. I cared for him.. but he was married. I wasn't a Christian at that time... and I guess you could say I was young, stupid and extremely selfish. If I could turn back time, that is the one thing in my life I would reverse. Thankfully the affair ended the first time I laid eyes on my new hubs.

I pray to God everyday for forgiveness.

As a side note, when I asked Dan for a divorce, he cried of course... as did I. But he asked me if we could have sex once last time. I said no of course, but that just goes to show where his heart was... dick.


I was still married when I met Barney. I had finally asked for a divorce, but I was in no rush to file the paperwork or get the ball rolling because ex hubs and I were still sharing our apartment.. it was financially easier for us both and were still cordial enough to one another to remain friends.

After Barney and I had our first date, and I knew he wasn't just going to be another sexual fling, I went to the court house the next day to get the paperwork and I filled. Within a few months the divorce was final and Barney and I celebrated by going out to dinner. He was excited that I was finally all his.

My divorce wasn't messy per say, but I surely didn't go about it in the best way. I wish I had done it in a more proper manner.. without stringing the ex along for so long. In the end however, our divorce was his fault. Had he not be such a lying creepy sex deviant, I'd have stayed married to him simply because I took our vows seriously. But he was a liar and a deviant... so I left.

And I'm glad I did. Because like I've mentioned before, I can't imagine spending my life with anyone but Barney... and now I have my beautiful little Rowan.

Life is good.....

Oh, I was also fired for all my flings with the frat boys that worked for me.... probaby the best thing that could have happened to me. It got my butt out of the food service industry and gave me the courage and motivation to start a career.

After Sex Deep Thoughts

Last night I laid in bed awake.. you guessed it, after having sex. I'm not sure what about having sex spurred me into very deep meaningful thoughts about my life, but it did.

and my mind wandered....

I have HUGE walls of concrete built up around my emotions. I don't cry often in front of others, I don't like touchy feely conversations, I can't handle other people when they display emotions... it actually makes me physically uncomfortable.

I know why.. I was ruthlessly picked on when I was a kid.. I was chubby.. I am chubby now... accept for a brief window in my mid twenties, I have always been chubby. I don't' remember the exact moment these walls went up... what boy looked at me in disgust when I smiled at him... what girl pulled my hair in assembly.. but I eventually came to the realization that I was utterly and totally unlovable... deserved no one.... and so.. I built a wall.. a wall to save my precious tiny heart from breaking so explosively that it killed me.

And now here I am.. at 30.. grown up and moved past these silly thoughts....with a concrete wall I can not get rid off... nor do I know how to get rid off...


A few hidden tears slipped down my cheeks as I thought about all this... about how I can't feel things as much as I want.

Don't get me wrong... I Love my husband... I love my daughter.... but its difficult for me to show that as hopelessly and open as I wish I could. and i hate it.

And then in the darkness.... as I contemplated this and made pledges to myself to try to bring my walls down somehow, some way... my husbands voice rang clear and thoughtful through the darkness of our post sex bedroom...

"Is it better for you to eat potatoes with or without the skin?"