I am attempting very hard to be a Christian. I say that because my entire life up to the past few years, I was definitely not a Christian.
I studied a lot of random religions.. dabbled in Buddhism... read a lot of books about Wicca.... etc etc.... but nothing every really felt right. And I couldn't help but feel like I had turned my back upon God....
When Rowan was born it was important to my late Catholic grandmother that she be baptized... and I guess important to me as well. Although at the time, I would have denied that. We went to church with my friend Ryan (the husband lover) in order to have Rowan baptized there. It was a Christian church, and not Catholic, but since I was neither at the time I didn't care. Heck, I was at a church and I was getting her baptized right?
A few months later when Rowan turned 10 months old, the big day arrived. She had the water placed upon her forehead and that was that.... accept it wasn't.
I had found something there that I had been missing... and now I didn't feel as though I was cheating on God anymore...I had found Him.
I can't say that I'm the best Christian. I haven't even finished reading the bible yet... but I can say that I have found God... and I trust him 100%. He is with me as often as my struggling soul allows him to be... and I am grateful that those times seem to be increasing more and more everyday.
I have been going to church off and on again ever since... although I have made the move to a church in my town to avoid the long drive to the other one. I like my new church. The people there are kind and greet our young family with smiles. You can tell that the older generation takes much delight in the fact that a young couple has joined them... because we are one of the very few younger couples there. Numbers dwindle.... people have lost faith. They are pleased however that there will be others to replace them once they have left this world.
My hubs pretends that he is disgruntled about it, but I know secretly he is peaceful there and thankful that we go. He also had a hard road coming to God... however, unlike myself, he was raised very Christian.
His parents found God when he was a kid.. they traveled with their entire family to live in Canada while they attended bible college in the snow and cold... and then they took their family all over the world to do missionary work.
My husband has been to Egypt, France, Germany, Ireland, Switzerland, Holland, Sweden, and countless other countries as he traveled and lived with his parents doing God's work.
He hated it. I'm sure like any other kid or teen he just wanted to be normal... he wanted to be hanging out with friends and going to high school instead of being home schooled and surrounded by people he never got to know because they were never in one place for long.
He has a lot of stories though... and he had his first french kiss in France... how many people can say that?
Either way, here we are. The two of us... searching for God and ways to keep him with us through our struggles.
Today at church, our pastor did a reading from a Henry Van Dyke book about Keeping Christmas all year.
He asked that while we read, we contemplate and meditate upon the words..... to stare at the candles quietly burning, or to look upon the communion table.. out the window etc... to find a quiet place to reflect.
And so I glanced at the sun light pouring through the giant 30 foot tall windows. Its the first time the sun has been out while at church since we've started going back... and it was so beautiful as it fell into our warm little pew.
I watched the dust illuminated by the rays of sun, fluttering quietly through the air... as Pastor Mark's voice spoke quiet words.... and I thought about what it means to be self sacrificing....and to love others more than yourself. This is perhaps one of the most difficult lessons a person can learn....one of the most difficult I have to learn.
Stop reading blogs... and play with Rowan more... curl up next to my husband and snuggle instead of sitting on the opposite end of the couch... talk to my mother more often... call my sister.. appreciate the kind soul of my mother in law... so many things I should and want to do... so why is it so hard?
Perhaps its been to long a time for me, having had no real direction in my life about how to be a good Christian, and hence the struggle I face now. I never learned how to be that kind of good person.. how to be the type of person I want to be. I was never given good direction.. or the tools.
And so I start now.. with old ways engrained in my soul... and I struggle to learn new ways without feeling guilty that it doesn't just come naturally.
But I try anyhow... and I'm hoping and praying that my dedication to the effort counts for something.
It should right?
